Lifemares

She's haunting me again, that girl with the dull eyes and the energy of 100 hundred women before her with the attitude of 'what's the point? what's it all for?'. I thought she was long gone, it's been so long that I actually forgot that she had ever existed, just a bad and somewhat boring dream, back in the vague recesses of my memory.

Tonight she stared out at me in a photo and was a stark reminder of what I once was, and brought back all those feelings of sadness, and being alone in a sea of people. That feeling of being so lost, so confused with lifes boundless choices that instead it's easier to make no choice and watch everyone else make them and hope you somehow get swept along. I think I'd even prefer to be backed into a corner, with limited choices so it's easier to choose, and you can blame circumstance for your own ineptitude.

I'm in my own way, I'm making the wrong choices, I know I am, but I feel so powerless to shake this feeling. I've been here before, I've fought it with will power and I've never won, never, not once.

Another thing, a bold choice, not one most people will understand. I've managed the strength to do it, but not to let many people know. Why am I still so goverened by what others may think of me? I tell myself, it's my life, my choices and I'm the only person who has to deal with the life I make for myself. This is something I should boldly, proudly declare, but instead, it's a little hidden mouse of a voice at times. We keep secrets that voice and I.