Land whale

That's me, the land whale, well at least that's how I feel. I've got a good 3 months to keep growing, but seriously I feel absolutely huge already. I have no idea where the rest of the baby is going to go. But it does fascinate me, our bodies ability to adapt and change so quickly. I just hope once the baby is born my body will respond as quickly to regain it's former shape. I've never been a bikini model, but I'm alright with where everything usually is and how it all goes.

I've been reading Ina May Gaskin's guide to childbirth of late. In it she describes the amazing capacity women's bodies do have when going through childbirth. She speaks about it all with such wonder, grace and joy that I can't help but be looking forward to the birth of my little Moebe and seeing just what I have the ability to do.

So often when meeting new people and they realise I'm pregnant they ask me 'are you scared?', as if childbirth is something I should be scared of, that it's a thought that should terrify me. But I'm not, I can with a quite clear conscience say 'no, why should I be?', and it kind of saddens me that the vast majority of young women in or culture look upon the prospect of childbirth in their future as something to be feared rather than something to look forward to, a right of passage that will build upon their lives and character. Not to mention the reward at the end! I must admit however it was something that scared me too until I started to read everything I could get my hands on about how positive childbirth can be.

I'm so glad that I have had so much time to get used to the idea of the birth, and that the time has allowed me to change my thought patterns and to believe in my own abilities. I've always been a fit and healthy person, so why should birth take an unexpected turn and be something out of the norm? My blood pressure is always perfect, I feel well, my ultrasounds always look good, so really, there is no reason to be worried. How lucky for me to be having my children in a time where there can be a balance between all the best medical help and allowing my body to do what it's built for.

Losing my shit

I've never been one of those hormonal crazy women, one minute they are happy next they think it's quite reasonable to remove your testicles simply because you looked at them sideways. I've always been level headed and even on days where I know my hormones are making me feel not myself I can recognise that, and not let them get the better of me. Keep to myself, and not get mad at silly things that would not normally bother me.

NOT TODAY!! Nope, today Melinda's full blown crazy evil twin came out with avengance. It really is quite phenomenal just how much these baby hormones can make me lose control and be completely irrational. It makes me wonder how many women we dub 'crazy', 'immature' or 'irrational' are just slaves to their own hormone fluctuations, and i am just one of those lucky women that this doesn't usually happens to in much of an extreme.

So this morning, the alarm went off, as usual I lay in bed thinking about what I would wear to work today. Blank. More thinking. Nothing. Plan B, get up, rifle through wardrobe and chest of draws only to be accosted by clothing that is too small, or hand me down maternity clothes from my sister that are miles too big. The only things that do fit me right now are way too casual for an office environment (stripey cotton summer dresses a plenty). Oh wait here's a top, nope it has a great big moth hole in the front! Shit! It's OK, here is another one, fuck it has paint on it??!! Give one of Jane's maternity tops a go, look like I am wearing a sack. 5 minutes to go before I have to leave for work with Tony. I have nothing on but pants and a bra, have had no breakfast, no shower, nothing ready for lunch, no makeup done and of course nothing in which I can leave the house wearing. MELT DOWN!! It is all too hard, I lose my shit, call work and tell them I'm sick and not coming in, and promptly dive back under the doona to cry my heart out in frustration and disappointment at my feeble self.

Tony is gone, the feeling of being rushed and stressed is over; with a hot cup of tea in hand and a loving look from a worried Shinny sitting at my feet I manage to pull myself together. I feel quite exhausted from that little mental roller coaster, but I must try not to be too hard on myself, I know I'm not actually that crazy woman, I'm just doing the best I can with the tools I have, and all I can expect from myself is to do what feels right and what I can cope with at the time.

No waiting for my Mum to come pick me up and take me clothes shopping. We will not have a repeat of this tomorrow!