Some days I hate myself

I need to lose 11 kg just to tip myself into the 'normal' weight category. In fact if I lost 23 kg, I'd still be in the 'healthy' weight range...scary! I can't even begin to imagine how I would look if I was that thin. Once when I was going through a really stressful time in my life, I went down to about 60kg, and almost all my friends at the time said I looked awful and too thin, not like myself and that I need to put on weight. Hard to imagine that was ever so.

Last week I ran twice, and walked to and from the train twice, so it's a start. Although when I do exercise a lot I get so hungry, always catch 22. Stupid fucking body, I swear I was one of those gorgeous thin women who could eat what she liked in a past life, but was a total bitch, and this is karma! I look at cake sideways and I get fat.

Which leads me to think, why do I care so much? How I look and my image is such a small part of who I am. My thoughts, opinions, love, friends, family, achievements, beliefs and all those things are far greater parts of me than my looks. We live in this society where women's worth is based around looks. Once your looks fade, you are less important in society, or at least that's how it feels. I don't want to accept that, I want to believe otherwise about women as they age.

Ani Difranco once said "I am not a pretty girl, that is not what I do"
It makes me think about my conundrums too. Is that my goal in life? To be beautiful always, is that something to realistically strive for? I don't think so. I am under no illusions that I am beautiful, I've always known that I am very plain. So this in mind, maybe it is time to stop putting so much pressure on myself about my outside appearance, and maybe work on the inside.

I'm not saying become a fat unhealthy slob and let myself go, that's not it. I'll always try to be healthy, but it's about being a realist. Youth fades, I'm almost 30, and some days I feel it. Instead of trying to grasp the slippery tendrils of my 20's as the drift into the past, I want to embrace being older, being wiser, being stronger and being more confidant. Being someone people look up to, being someone who does the right thing in this world, and who cares deeply about those in her life.

My confidence has slipped a lot since this new job, in fact it eats away at me everyday. I hate it, I fucking hate it, but I don't know what else to do with my time. So I will try and make the most out of it. I will learn all I can, I will accept their money, and I will tell them to kiss my ass as soon as I am in a position for something better to come along.

I think now more than ever I need my friends to help me remember that I am loved, and I am fun and people want to be around me. But instead I hide, hibernate and stew in my own stupid thoughts.

I'm just not myself at work. Generally I think of myself as a funny person, but if you said 'don't you think Melinda is funny?' to someone I work with they'd look at you like I have 2 heads. Actually I'm only funny with a select few. I think I'm hilarious around Tony, the funniest part is I make myself laugh so hard I almost cry, and he has to say a serious word like 'cancer' to calm me down. I guess it just depends who gets my humour, it's not everyones thing, and I have to feel very confidant that someone will laugh for me to crack a joke.

You know when you're not comfortable with a group of people and you just come from such different backgrounds your on totally different wave lengths? Well that's how I feel at work. I hear myself say things and I think I sounds like a weirdo creep. I'm sure no one else really thinks that, but I get stupid thoughts in my head, so it easier to say nothing and be the nice quiet boring girl. Mmmm safe!

So lots to think about, lots of demons to wrestle, and much strength to find. I know it's there, I've had it from time to time, in fact I've been down right proud of it before, I've even had people remark on my strength.

So time to take responsibility for my life again, and time to live life and stop wallowing on the couch. Life can be better than this, I just know it. It's not like life is bad, in fact my life is generally good and there are parts of it like my relationship with Tony that I feel are almost perfect and everything I could ever ask for, but there is always something that isn't balanced. So for now I need to work on me. Rambling now, need to do some more thinking, might do this lot in my head, not on this page.

ciao