Other hobbies

Not only am I an elephant trainer I also have a way with aardvarks. There are 2 schools of thought when it comes to aardvark training, but first you must decide what you are training said aardvark to do.

Basically you can get most garden variety aardvarks to do one of 3 things:
1. Fetch the paper
2. A complicated trapese act involving a 2 meter drop and an aardvark sized tutu
3. Knit you a jumper

The two schools of thought are either torture or tease. The torture method involves you cracking a whip, or connecting the aardvarks nipples to a battery, giving it a shock each time it doesn't behave. The tease method requires you to tie a peice of string around an ant and lead the aardvark to do your bidding as it follows the ant.

Most people find it difficult to tie string around ants, so the torture method has become the most popular in modern times. The torture method involving batteries is only a recent discovery. In some Eastern European countries where trained aardvarks are in high demand the discovery of the battery torture method has resulted in battery sales doubling. Enerdjaziar battery company's share holders can thank the torture method for it's all time high share prices in 1984.

It is important to only teach your Aardvark one trick as the mental overload from numerous tasks could result in your aardvark becoming a blathering mess prone to attack. Just ask Jelso Vrboska how he lost his left testicle and right eyebrow.

If all else fails refer to this limerick:
An aardvark can only learn one trick
to knitting, balancing and fetching you should stick
if you push it to hard
put up your hands to gaurd
it may try to bite off your dick